Green Goo and Twitching Members
by Jayme TyZane
Summary: Edward and Bella show up a little too fashionably late for a party at their friend's house. What happens when Edward has a little too much of the green stuff? A birthday one-shot for Born OnHalloween by Shell Taylor and Jayme TyZane.


**Green Goo and Twitching Members - A Birthday Collab for Born by Shell Taylor and Jayme TyZane**

" _Bella Marie Cullen_!"

Bella cringed and ducked her head, then rolled her eyes for being so melodramatic.

"Something wrong, honey?" she called, returning her attention to the two outfits she was trying to choose between.

Edward appeared in the doorway of their en suite bathroom with his hands on his hips. Even after thirty years of marriage, he still made her heart flutter whenever he walked into the same room. Bella plastered a smile on her face as she tried not to laugh. Edward's outfit might be ridiculous, but he could sure as hell still pull off a tight tee.

He pointed to the gray cotton shirt, clinging to every bulge and divot in his toned chest. Bella had to bite her lip to keep from laughing as she read the words again. _Twink: Cream-filled dessert generally eaten first. Calorie-free._ was splashed across the front in bold, colorful letters."You really expect me to wear this to Emmett's tonight?"

"Well, why not? They loved the one you wore last time."

Edward's eyes widened, and he pointed to the outfits on their bed. "Last time we matched and your shirt proclaimed how you love to give me blowjobs. This one … not so much! Why do you get to look respectable this time?"

"Honestly, Edward. No one there wants to see me. They'll want to see you." Bella stepped forward and ran a finger down his chest. "You look hot as hell in that shirt by the way. It hugs you in all the right places."

But Edward slapped her hand away. "Is that your explanation for these?" In one swift movement, he stepped back, grabbed the front of his pants, and jerked his hands forward. With a loud _crrrchhhh_ , the velcro running up and down the sides of his pants tore free and Edward stood in front of her wearing nothing but a tight pair of bright green Andrew Christian briefs. And his Twink shirt of course. Couldn't forget that gem.

Bella raked her eyes up and down her delicious-looking husband. "Yes. That's it exactly."

Edward pointed at her face. "You so owe me for this."

Quick as a fox, Bella stepped forward and grabbed his bulge. With a light squeeze of his balls and a messy kiss to his neck, she whispered, "And don't I always deliver?"

Edward growled but he could tell by the look on Bella's face that his wife wasn't buying it. He'd go to her damn gay porn star's party in nothing but skimpy briefs if that's what she wanted and she damn well knew it too. Hell, it wasn't as if he ever got embarrassed-not even the time he'd bumped his chair into the glass wall during a Fourth of July party at their friend's house, immediately shattering the entire thing. Wasn't his fault the glass had been so fragile, and he'd really done everyone there a favor. The room had been sweltering in the July heat, but thanks to him, everyone enjoyed a nice breeze during dinner. Compared to breaking an entire wall in front of Fork's most prominent citizens, allowing Bella to show him off in front of her friends was nothing. Especially since he knew exactly how well his wife delivered on his promises.

Besides, they never stayed long at these events. They'd get there early, have a few drinks, and then bail before the wild stuff started. No skin off his back and he'd have a revved up wife when they got home.

Bella continued to stare at him-trying to look innocent even though they both knew she was anything but-and Edward finally cracked. A grin spread across his face and he batted her back toward the bed as he fussed with the velcro on his pants. "Hurry up and get dressed, woman, or we're going to be late."

Bella sauntered to the bed and picked the outfit that showed off her tits. _Score_! "I don't know about that, dear. In my experience, you're always right on time."

Edward shook his head. "You're going to be the death of me."

"You should be so lucky."

Three hours later, at 9:17 on the dot, Edward pulled into the long driveway of their evening's hosts. "Exactly how wild did Emmett say it would get after the family part ended?"

Bella winced and glanced at her husband, who looked significantly more nervous than he had when they'd left the house. She'd met Emmett online through a friend, and he'd graciously agreed to be the cover model in her latest BDSM book series. They got together every so often, but she never passed an opportunity to attend one of his parties. As far as Saturday night plans went, it was pretty damn hard to pass up the chance to ogle burly, half-(or mostly-)naked men grinding all over one another.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. Emmett wouldn't have invited us to still come if he didn't want us here, and he said Jasper was really looking forward to seeing you tonight." Edward glared at her, and she felt a fresh wave of guilt. She knew spending the evening with a bunch of drunk, gay men wasn't her husband's idea of a perfect night out. "I'm sorry, okay! It's not my fault a tractor trailer full of bull semen crashed into another tractor trailer full of frozen mackerel and covered the entire road in fish drowning in bull jizz. At least you got to hang out with the hot cheerleaders while they cleaned up the road!"

Edward perked up at the memory. Once the gridlocked drivers realized they'd be waiting for hours for the road to clear up, cars emptied and everyone began mingling. To Edward's complete delight, half of the Sonics cheerleaders had been several cars back, apparently on their way to some sort of retreat. Bella hadn't been surprised in the least by the way her husband managed to charm each and every one of them. There was something special about a man who could flirt with that many women half his age without making his wife feel the slightest bit ignored or jealous and then attend a party with nothing but gay men in attendance.

After navigating the bull jizz fiasco, Edward turned off the highway where Bella directed him. It seemed he could never remember exactly where the turn-off was. Probably because deep down inside he didn't want to remember.

"We're here!"

"Don't roll your eyes at me, Edward."

"There was no eye roll."

"Pffffffft."

The sounds of a party in full swing could be heard as soon as Edward turned the engine off. It was a good thing Emmett and Jasper had no neighbors living close by; hell that driveway seemed like it was a mile long for good reason. He helped Bella out of the car and led her up to the front door of the house. After no one answered their knocks, he turned to Bella and smirked.

"I guess we got the wrong night."

"Just open the door, Edward, They can't hear us with all the noise."

Bella gasped when they walked into the beautiful home. The parties she and Edward attended previously had been NOTHING like this. As her head did a pretty good imitation of Linda Blair, she feasted her eyes on the buffet of brawn before her. Emmett and Jasper were banging out Liza's "Cabaret" at the piano, clad only in matching leopard thongs, while other hot nearly nude men lounged near the piano enjoying the performance. There was more leather and chains in the room than at any Harley dealership Bella had ever been to. And it was the stuff that BDSM writers' dreams are made of.

She stopped drooling when Edward poked her in the side and hissed, "What the hell, Bella?" She rolled her eyes at him and followed his gaze. Staring back at them was one of the most handsome men Bella had ever seen. He was extremely tall, with dark eyes and brown wavy hair that seemed to be waiting to be messed by someone's fingers. His temples were streaked with gray that looked more like chrome, and he was wearing low-slung jeans with blue briefs peeking out of strategically placed holes.

Edward groaned at her. "Why do they always pick you out of a crowd?" Before Bella could mutter that it wasn't her the man was looking at, their hosts were upon them.

"Bella! Edward! We're so glad you finally got here!" Emmett greeted them warmly. His partner, Jasper, was much more enthusiastic. He kissed Bella's cheek then grabbed Edward in a bear hug and lifted him up off the ground, swinging him around, much to Edward's surprise and Bella and Emmett's delight.

"Jeez," Edward groaned. He hadn't ever been picked up by a man before, especially not a near naked one. "Calm down, Jasper! I'll end up in traction and Bella will spend a fortune on new sex toys by the time I'm back in action."

"Oh come on, Edward. You love it and you know it," Jasper crooned as he looked Edward up and down. "Bella, my dear, you've outdone yourself tonight - Edward looks good enough to eat."

Bella was astonished. What happened to the mild-mannered Jasper she met all those months ago? He was the quiet one; the more ebullient Emmett was normally the center of attention but it seemed like they'd switched brains tonight.

Emmett was quick to offer an reply to Bella's unasked question. "Stay away from the green punch," he whispered in her ear. "Jasper had two glasses and I've had to follow him around apologizing all night." Bella cackled at the thought. She knew how much Emmett and Jasper loved each other and she thoroughly enjoyed their company; imagining Emmett following Jasper around like he was a puppy on a leash made her laugh heartily. It also gave her a plot bunny for her latest novel, but she filed that information away for tomorrow.

Leaning even closer to Emmett, Bella nodded her head toward the man she'd spotted as soon as they walked in, who was still eye-fucking her hubby. "Who's he?" she whispered, while Jasper fondled Edward's shoulders.

Emmett grinned down at her. "You do have a good eye, don't you?" He put his arm around her shoulder. "That, my dear Bella, is Garrett. Jasper and I had a night with him a couple weeks ago and it… was… magical. The man has a mouth like a Dyson and knows how to wield a paddle like nobody's business."

Bella hip-checked Emmett. "It's not nice to tease!"

Before Emmett could respond, Edward made a desperate grab for Bella's arm. "Bella, hon. Don't you think we should get a drink and mingle some? I'm sure our hosts want to get back to their other guests."

The look on Edward's face made Bella want to burst out laughing, but she managed to hold it in. Jasper had both arms wrapped around Edward's neck and his leg hitched on Edward's waist. Edward's hair stood out in odd places, presumably from where Jasper had mussed it with his fingers. Her normally calm, cool, and collected husband looked decidedly ruffled.

"Down boy," Emmett said as he gently disentangled his husband. "Why don't we go find Seth and Embry and see if they want to dance?"

"Ooh!" Jasper exclaimed. "I like dancing! I'll catch you later, tiger. Rawwrrrr!" With a wink and a swipe of his hand toward Edward, Jasper pranced off in search of the next guy to maul.

Edward's horrified face was too much at this point and Bella finally lost it. Threading her arm through his, she tugged him toward the kitchen so they could get a drink. "Sorry about Jasper. Apparently, the green punch is potent."

Edward huffed. "I feel violated."

"Aww." Bella pulled Edward around and tucked their bodies close together. "I promise not to let anymore crazy hot men put their hands all over you tonight."

"You could enjoy this a little less, you know," Edward said, a slight grin smile on his face.

"I really, really doubt that." She kissed the tip of his nose and pulled away. "Let's go find people we know."

They spent the next couple of hours talking with friends of Emmett's and Jasper's they already knew and being introduced to new ones. Everyone was warm and inviting, though not quite as friendly as Jasper to Edward's immense pleasure. One of Bella's favorite parts of Emmett's parties was that his friends were such an eclectic group. Conversation ranged from music (Jasper was practically a prodigy on the guitar) to sports (Emmett played a few years of minor league baseball before a torn ACL ended his career) to accounting (Quin and Bella were former auditors) to lawn care (Seth ran his own landscaping business) to everything else under the sun. Edward and Bella even joined in on some of the dancing.

As some of the boys became a bit more lascivious with their hands and dance moves, Bella thought they'd better excuse themselves for the evening.

"I'm going to duck in the bathroom before we leave and thank Emmett for inviting us. You okay alone for a minute?"

Edward rolled his eyes. When it became clear no one else would be as touchy feely as Jasper, he'd relaxed considerably and, to Bella's delight, seemed to enjoy himself. "I'm fine. I'm going to grab a quick drink while you do that."

"Just stay away from the green stuff," Bella teased and then made a beeline for the bathroom.

Bella used the restroom as quickly as possible and then started her rounds to say goodbye. She didn't intend to dawdle, but before she knew it, thirty minutes had passed and she still hadn't reconnected with Edward. She'd expected him to be standing outside the bathroom door waiting on her, but when he wasn't, Bella figured he was a big boy and could take care of himself.

Chants of "Strip, strip, strip, strip!" filtered in from the other room where most of the dancing was taking place, and Bella figured it was time to really look for her man before he refused to ever come to one of these things again. Just then, Jasper all but pranced up to her and threw his arms around her.

"Bellaaaaaaaaaa!" he screamed. "Has everyone ever told you that your husband is the absolute _best_ dancer?"

Bella stumbled under Jasper's weight but grinned at his effervescent enthusiasm for life at the moment. "I may've experienced that myself. Why? Is he actually dancing?"

Jasper's eyes widened. "Oh, honey girl. He's doing more than just dancing." He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the room where all the noise had been coming from, and there in the middle of a circle of half-naked men, stood her husband.

Her also half-naked husband. Who was currently twerking. With a half-naked Garrett right behind him.

 _Holy shit. This is the stuff dreams are made of!_

All of a sudden, Edward bopped up and knocked into Garrett, who had to grab Edward to keep both of them from toppling over.

Apparently nonplussed, Edward raised his arms in the air and shouted, "Superman Dat Hoe!" Everyone shouted and cheered, even though Soulja Boy wasn't blasting through the speakers, encouraging Edward to move through a series of more moves until he finally caught sight of Bella as he was doing the stanky leg.

Somehow, his eyes lit up even more and he ran across the room and tackle hugged his wife. "Bellaaaaaaa! Don't drink out of the orange container," he whispered sloppily in her ear. "It has all the alcohol they're adding to the green goo. Green goo. Grrreeeeen goooooo. Hey, that rhymes!"

Between Edward's weight and Bella's laughter, she could hardly stand up straight and was grateful when Garrett appeared beside her. "Sorry about him. Someone left my homemade moonshine on the buffet table by mistake. He drank a whole cup before he realized what it was."

"Bella," Edward whisper-shouted in her ear. "That's Garrett. I danced with him. Can you believe it?"

She patted the back of his head. "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. You should go back out there with him again," she said, unable to hide her amusement even though Edward would likely kill her the following morning.

"Oh, I don't know about that," Edward said, sobering up a bit and with a slightly horrified look on his face. "I think my dick twitched while we were dancing!"

Bella's gazed was fixed on her snoring husband, who was still wearing his Twink t-shirt and Andrew Christians because, try as she might, Bella couldn't manage to get him in the shower when they got home from Emmett and Jasper's party. He was flushed and disheveled and a general mess. He also smelled like a brewery, or more accurately, a still; moonshine would be officially off the list of beverages he enjoyed.

Edward groaned and stretched, rolling over onto his stomach and burying his face under the covers. Bella had no doubt he'd be suffering when he woke up and even though she felt sorry for him, her heart was bursting. She adored him completely, and seeing him lying there like he was chewed up and spit out by a very large dog touched a part of her deep inside.

He did this for HER. He indulged her every whim, even if it included parties with male porn stars that ended with him nearly naked and grinding on a stranger. A very hot stranger, but a stranger nonetheless. Bella knew her husband though. He'd brush this off like he did the broken glass wall in front of Forks' finest, and the next time they were in Garrett's presence he'd treat him like an old friend.

About that twitching though ...

* * *

Happy Birthday Born! I hope it's one you'll never forget. Have fun, and celebrate. LOVE YOU!

Thanks to Shell for asking me to do this and for having faith that I'd be able to put words on paper. Big smooches to Karen for looking this over with her sharp eyes.

xoxo

Jayme


End file.
